I herewith declare the 16 points of the Extreme Freedom Manifesto:
1. Every man woman and child on the planet shall allowed the use of a piece of land, which shall include, but not be limited to, one 4 bedroom double storey house and a private beach.
2. Every man woman and child on the planet shall have recourse to free education in government approved establishments for the pre- and post-rectification of reactionary tendencies and inculcation of extreme enlightenment. Education shall be compulsory and life-long.
3. The Party shall provide to all citizens free medical care of first world standards, free educational movies on Tuesdays and Thursdays, free clothing, and free food. *All and any necessary measures shall be applied to ensure that the Doctor to citizen ratio remains high, possibly including educating more Doctors.
4. All privately owned businesses will be taken over by the state without compensation. This will guarantee the elimination of the insidious dangers of monopoly by giving the state control over every element of the economy.
Simplicity is the key to our vision, and it is irrefutable that the ideologically vetted wisdom and vision of one Party technocrat centrally planning an economy is superior in scope and vision to the fault-prone and chaotic visions of millions of untrustworthy and unrestrained capitalists making decisions independent of the Party based on deluded notions of experience and expertise in their respective fields.
5. Not one man woman and child on the planet shall be required to work unless they wish to, and only then for a daily period in accordance with their levels of motivation and only then in fields in which they have an interest. *Unless selected for compulsory voluntary participation in an economic supplementation programme at the Party’s discretion at a site of our choosing for a period of the Party’s determination.
6. The weekend shall run from Monday to Sunday due to sustained levels of excellent economic output anticipated. On these days the Party shall organize festivals and parties between 6am and 1am, where citizens shall be robustly encouraged to operate Soviet era machinery in glorious symphonies of coordinated expression of creative praxis through effort. *Participation in Festivals shall fall under compulsory voluntary ordinances.
7. Individuals are nesting grounds of reactionary tendencies, and to alleviate them of these irresponsible tendencies, they shall be relieved of the ownership of all personal property and the fruits of their labour lest they be tempted to indulge in bourgeoism and prideful behaviour. The Party shall take the onerous challenge of taking custodianship of all property upon its incorruptible self.
8. The reallocation of this property for purposes deemed suitable by the state shall fall into the hands of the enlightened representatives of the Party, who in keeping with the great revolutionary tradition, shall ensure that it is distributed wisely and fairly, with no preference for social status or station, but only with due attention to those qualities and personal traits that have been sanctioned by the Party elders on behalf of the collective.
9. The Party, by virtue of its virtuous self-elective capacities and consequent inherent wisdom, shall be the only party eligible to hold and bear arms. Martial arts shall be outlawed, as shall projectile weapons ranging from guns to catties, metal cutlery, sticks longer than 2cm, ropes, stones weighing over 20.52 grams, containers of water deeper than 35mm and the physical properties known as ‘pointiness’ and ‘sharpness’. Where necessary offenders' actual arms may also be removed. This shall ensure the safety of the collective and reduce disruptions when weeding out non-compliant reactionary forces within the collective.
10. In line with these enlightened procedures, which are certain to eliminate all poverty and suffering instantaneously, poverty shall henceforth be banned so that it shall never return to this planet. *Members of the collective found in violation of this principle shall be entitled to voluntary compulsory enrollment in the state’s poverty reduction program. Participants are required to bring their state-approved plastic shovels and something to splash on.
11. The Party shall stand firm against that insufferable reactionary force known as death. Our policy is irrefutable and non-negotiable, death shall be banned forthwith, and shall only be permitted as punishment in the cases where adhesion to this policy is disregarded by the members of the collective, or in cases where the Party determines it is necessary for the wellbeing of the collective.
12. Personal choice and self-expression shall be encouraged and celebrated to whatever extent it does not impact on the clean, pragmatic and pure expression of Party Doctrine. Do What Thou Wilt shall be the whole of the law to the extent it does not violate the other whole of the law that is to respect to the authority of the Party in all matters that actually matter.
13. The outdated mode of pseudo-collectivist contrivance known as the family shall be banned. The Party shall be the parent of the collective, and they its loving children. Piety towards biological parents shall be outlawed, just as carnal love – preferably expressed by frequent and varied sexual intercourse with as wide a range of random partners as possible – shall be encouraged. This shall inculcate in the masses the deepest principles of love, restraint, devotion and unselfish conduct.
14. Gods shall be banned from the planet, for the Party shall under no circumstances tolerate the belief in the presence of beings that consider themselves omniscient, unimpeachable, irreplaceable and capable of dictating and managing the minutiae of the daily life of a citizen. Virtue shall not be defined by a distant and cold figure, but rather by a dead German man who didn't know how to use a razor and also wrote bad poetry.
15. Speech will be free, and will be rationed out on Fridays and Sundays at Party approved free speech outlets. Any words, thoughts, opinions or ideas not included in this ration shall be considered to be black-market materials and use or ownership thereof shall be punishable by death.
In addition the post-'Sticks and Stones' milieu in which we regrettably find ourselves (which can result in instant death for anyone exposed to words they don't like or agree with), causing offence to anyone at all shall also be subject to the death penalty (please note that the Bureau of Partisan Tolerance will waive this penalty for all offences verbal or otherwise, rained on capitalists, dissidents, individualists and other non-persons).
These methods shall encourage high-spirits, open and relaxed discourse, a more pure doctrine, absolute certainty in our certainty and 100% truth by consensus. We encourage an ideologically plural society in which everyone is in complete agreement with one another.
16. Climate change shall be halted. Once the Party is in power the climate shall remain at 27 degrees, partly cloudy and with a refreshing breeze for eternity. Any deviations from these climatic conditions will be easily identifiable as the activities of dissidents within the civilian ranks, and we shall hunt down and shoot dissident voices until such a point as the brotherly climate has been normalized and consistent Utopian Saturday afternoon conditions have been achieved.
In conclusion, in return for your consent for us to remove from you the burdens of private property and individual responsibility, we offer you freedom for want, work, death and poverty, along with a free house, food, education and a private beach.
If this merely sounds like the latest version of a familiar scam designed to lure gullible fools into giving up everything they have while fastening the shackles of enslavement to their, and their fellows, ankles in return for something that sounds really good, this is purely coincidental.
In reality, making this new world a reality is simple. All it requires is all of your money, property, labour, energy, unwavering faith, support, co-operation, and, above all, patience. Utopia can arrive tomorrow, once the Party has sufficient centuries in power to tackle the delicate and complex task of reversing the decimations of the bourgeoisie, removing reactionary tendencies from citizens, building many monuments and palaces, and generally sowing the ground for social change using the highest quality human fertilizer.
Should enough of us join together, we shall sweep away the old world in a tidal wave of extreme revolutionary change. The claws of the capitalists shall be ripped free of your skins, and your lives shall be placed to nestle safely in the wise and compassionate hands of the Party elders.
Many will be required to joyously give up their lives for this pursuit. However, a few million deaths should not be seen as barbarous murders callously committed by criminally minded cynical sociopaths, supported by feeble minded sycophants and funded by monopoly capitalists in pursuit of unfettered power and wealth, but rather as the blood sacrifices that shall inevitably accompany the birthing of a more just and kind world.
In return for my humble desire to transform the entire planet, I require little in return. Simply the love of my people, the adoration of the Party that wants only the best for you, and a small relief statue of my wizened face carved into the sea-facing wall of Table Mountain.
Yours in emancipation and humility.
Comrade Commandant Field-Marshall Eick, PHD Economics (Extreme Victims Unit, The Marx Institute of Cape Town (formerly UCT))