Thursday, May 20, 2010

1st Word of 'Bloodclot' released

Sven Eick, author of Apetown, has stunned the literary world with the release of the first word of his upcoming cruise ship bio, Bloodclot.

In an unprecedented move, Eick gave $ycophant.com the opportunity to broadcast the opening word of his incredibly, brilliantly, stunningly, hilarious, yet thoughtful, but always compellingly original, one-of-a-kind, most fucking jaw-dropping still-to-be-written book.

Without further ado, we bring you:

The

If you need to sit down after reading the opening line of Bloodclot, please do. If you need to rip off your clothes and run down the street screaming with joy, please do. If you’ve simply passed out in your chair and woken up several hours later, groggy but happy, you’re not alone.

Never has the definite article ‘the’ looked quite so regal, majestic, authoritative, and just plain bloody marvelous. Some have even suggested that it eclipses the opening word of Apetown – Eick’s ‘Looking’. Could this be possible? Judge for yourself:

Here's a view from the top: ---

And now for the side view: |

Thanks to a sustained publicity campaign conducted by $ycophant.com, which included free vouchers to professional anallingus sessions performed by trained marketers, and a complimentary ego inflation service where all recipients were told (using $ycophant.com’s innovative TrueSincerity™ neuro-linguistic programming tool) how awesome, clever and cool they were on a daily basis for three months, there has been an outpouring of praise for Eick’s choice of an opening word.

Apetown read like Douglas Adams riffing off Marx at his most syphilitic, Bloodclot is certain to be even better – think Bill Bryson making love to William Burroughs on a bed of ink in the Alpine valleys of the mind. Expect mass suicides in the literary community. The end of ideas is here,” said one so-extremely famous author who is so hip he walks funny.

There I was researching the importance of the massive advances made in trans-human nano smart-tampons for Pygmy transsexuals on SproingSproing.com when I, erm, accidentally stumbled on the release of the word on $ycophant.com. All I can say is that it’s a good thing I was wearing brown trousers,” said another imperiously cool and certified with-it author, who spoke on condition of anonymity, a free laundry coupon and receipt of a second marketing anal-pamper hamper.

To be quite honest, I put out both my eyes with the wireless antenna on my router after reading the first word of Bloodclot,” another author, who is noted for being so exceptionally intelligent that he has a Phd in getting Phd’s, told $ycophant.com. “There’s not much else to say, or see, really.

There’s no questioning that besides having contributed significantly to the gleaming good health of the anal crevices of the tweeting classes, Eick is now the absolute darling of the literary jet-set, and may even be invited to the Moscow Book Fair to perform ritual frottage on Lenin’s mummified remains in front of a bust of George Bernard Shaw.

Eick has reportedly put his own Gulfstream 5 on pre-order in anticipation of sales of Bloodclot exceeding 700 copies. He plans to use his royalties and notoriety to have lots of cool parties for young, bourgeoisie pseudo-intellectuals where he’ll opine convincingly on the subjects of poverty and inequality in the hopes of becoming appropriately trendy, socially conscious and stinking rich.

Initial reports that Eick is so satisfied with the opening word of Bloodclot that he may not actually go on to write the remainder of the book are almost certainly untrue.

6 comments:

  1. The literary community fast asleep. Arts have been liberated since Duchamp, if not then since Piero Manzoni "merde d'artista", (canned artist shit in tins, edited edition, 1961).
    Walk into any museum these days, and you will be: 1), a fool for thinking the broom in the corner is a work of art, 2), a fool for not realizing the broom in the corner is in fact a broom or 3) a broom, for not realizing the curator in the corner is posing as a work of art disguised as broom of socially relevant dialogue, or 4)yourself become a work of art in a world where everything is art and the broom a deep metaphor of sweeping changes held at bay by a long stick, or something.
    Please ensure the preview print edition comes printed on quality paper , useful as kiddies colouring book.

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  2. Nice Arnaud. There might be a business plan right there, can the poop of the intelligentsiest and then sell it back to them as conversation pieces for their Indonesian art-deco fusion mantelpieces.

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  3. BTW, link to Book.co.za release is here:
    http://book.co.za/bookchat/topic/sven-eick-releases-first-word-of-bloodclot-to-adoring-will-be-fans?replies=14#post-28563

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  4. OMG - I googled your name and out of a trillion and a half hits, I found you - actually your mum told me, so there is fame, laid bare.

    Hearteningly, you never fail to make me laugh, good to see your brain hasn't atrophied.

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  5. Why hello Andrew, thanks for dropping by, nice to see you again, the good old days, etc, etc. Glad you enjoyed it :)

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"To act on the belief that we possess the knowledge and the power which enable us to shape the processes of society entirely to our liking, knowledge which in fact we do not possess, is likely to make us do much harm. The recognition of the insuperable limits to his knowledge ought indeed to teach the student of society a lesson in humility, which should guard him against becoming an accomplice in men’s fatal striving to control society—a striving which makes him not only a tyrant over his fellows, but which may well make him the destroyer of a civilization which no brain has designed but which has grown from the free efforts of millions of individuals." Friedrich Hayek